Neurofeedback Session #1 Recap

“For addictions and all their related issues, we start off the same way for everyone. We conduct a thorough assessment and develop a treatment plan. We discuss that neurofeedback, just like all types of treatment, works only if you are a willing participant. You must have a meal plan and therapist if you have an eating disorder and be in AA and another recovery program if you have an addiction. You must commit to not using for the 24 hours before and after a neurofeedback session. You must agree to participate in the session and complete a behavior checklist between sessions. You must have a willingness to get better, or the treatment won’t work. This is not a passive “fix me” experience.  We will not train a starving brain, so your eating needs to be somewhat stabilized.”

source: http://www.hullinstitute.com/NeurofeedbackEDA.aspx

 

Why do I not write anymore? I miss it dearly. I’ve gotten lazy. And a committed, monogamous relationship.

It’s only been two weeks since my first neurofeedback session but already I’m noticing a prodigious difference in my psyche. For someone who spends a significantly large portion of time ruminating about mundane quandaries in their head, I have been pleasantly surprised with the resulting factors of even a single session.

Binge urges are minimal. Only prominent if I forget to or intentionally bar myself from eating (everyone has their setbacks.) The sensation of surfeit fullness repulses me and stress does not lead to overwhelming consumption of comfort foods.

I did not binge once while on vacation in California. The opportunities were plentiful, food on every corner, but I had no interest. I wanted wholesome nutrition that would sustain me (did lots of walking) throughout the day.

Sure, I indulged. I had an ice cream sundae from Haagen Dazs, a small bag of chips and a chocolate bar as an HS snack, and I shared a bag of jelly beans with my mother.

If you, reader, are unsure of what constitutes as a binge, let me enlighten you.

A binge is not even relative to the amount of food you consume during said episode, it’s the mindset you are in while doing such.

Are you hungry? Are you paying attention to the flavours dispersing across your 10,000 or so taste buds? Or are you thinking about every stressor, every person who has ever caused you pain or made you feel unsubstantial in your life? Are you eating to fill the insatiable void that is complete and utter awareness? If you answered yes to the latter questions then maybe you and I aren’t so different after all.

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Eye-roll worthy internal monologue.

I’m writing this at work. Probably not the best idea, but I’m putting my “faith” in Incognito Mode and henceforth rendering these keystrokes untraceable.

I started hypnotherapy last week. For quite a few reasons, but curbing the binge/purge tendencies was cardinal for my particular branch of neuroticism.

Binge urges are minimal. Call it placebo effect if you will, but the thing is, I forgot about my therapy session until today. The past week I’ve had a couple of days where I ate probably a bit much.. (lol, never trust the “objective” point of view of an Eating Disorderee) more than necessary, but I wouldn’t deem the consumption of extra calories an emotional response, per se) but there were absolutely no impulsions to “expel” said food from my stomach before it reached the rest of my gastrointestinal tract.

See, I know when I binge. In the midst of a binge, my heart and mind are both simultaneously racing. Racing against one each other, seeing who can destruct themselves first. Mind, of course, always reigns victorious.

These past few days I’ve just been hungry in a physical sense. I’m still adjusting to normal bodily urges, you know, the ones that a toddler starts independently responding to around age 4 or 5? Now, for a 22 year old with a malignant, abusive, sadistic mind who relentlessly tells me I’m a fat cunt for adhering to biology itself, you can imagine how arcane of a concept this is to me.

Humanity in itself is enigmatic enough! Why do we do the things we do, say the things we say… we’re fucking animals. We should be on all 4s hunting wild boar and washing our hair with berries and mud.

I contemplate existence, particularly my own, far more than one probably should. I am merely the result of copulation between two primal, though intellectually and socially “advanced” neanderthals attempting to make their marriage less shit than it currently was.

That was my purpose. That is no longer my purpose, seeing as they are separated and I am an “adult” now. I use the term adult loosely because I still possess infantile habits, propensities, and unfortunately hedonistic proclivities.

 

Wow, what a really negative post. Hopefully my next will portray some glimmer of positivity.

 

-R