Eye-roll worthy internal monologue.

I’m writing this at work. Probably not the best idea, but I’m putting my “faith” in Incognito Mode and henceforth rendering these keystrokes untraceable.

I started hypnotherapy last week. For quite a few reasons, but curbing the binge/purge tendencies was cardinal for my particular branch of neuroticism.

Binge urges are minimal. Call it placebo effect if you will, but the thing is, I forgot about my therapy session until today. The past week I’ve had a couple of days where I ate probably a bit much.. (lol, never trust the “objective” point of view of an Eating Disorderee) more than necessary, but I wouldn’t deem the consumption of extra calories an emotional response, per se) but there were absolutely no impulsions to “expel” said food from my stomach before it reached the rest of my gastrointestinal tract.

See, I know when I binge. In the midst of a binge, my heart and mind are both simultaneously racing. Racing against one each other, seeing who can destruct themselves first. Mind, of course, always reigns victorious.

These past few days I’ve just been hungry in a physical sense. I’m still adjusting to normal bodily urges, you know, the ones that a toddler starts independently responding to around age 4 or 5? Now, for a 22 year old with a malignant, abusive, sadistic mind who relentlessly tells me I’m a fat cunt for adhering to biology itself, you can imagine how arcane of a concept this is to me.

Humanity in itself is enigmatic enough! Why do we do the things we do, say the things we say… we’re fucking animals. We should be on all 4s hunting wild boar and washing our hair with berries and mud.

I contemplate existence, particularly my own, far more than one probably should. I am merely the result of copulation between two primal, though intellectually and socially “advanced” neanderthals attempting to make their marriage less shit than it currently was.

That was my purpose. That is no longer my purpose, seeing as they are separated and I am an “adult” now. I use the term adult loosely because I still possess infantile habits, propensities, and unfortunately hedonistic proclivities.

 

Wow, what a really negative post. Hopefully my next will portray some glimmer of positivity.

 

-R